and so the countdown until my birthday begins... Tommy and I are most likely having a combined birthday... which will be amazing if it all comes together in time.

I am going to be 22... which makes me feel very old, and not happy about it... and I'm pretty sure this may be the worst Christmas/birthday in a while.. yuck.

Thanksgiving was lame. Boondock Saints 2 will not be I hope.

And I wanna play hide and seek, give you my clothes, tell you I love your shoes, sit on the steps when you take a bath, and massage your neck, and kiss your face, and hold your hand and go for a walk. Not mind when you eat my food, and meet you at Rudy's and talk about the day. Talk about your day and laugh at your paranoia. Give you tapes you don't listen to, watch great films... watch terrible films. And tell you about the TV program I saw the night before, and not laugh at your jokes. Want you in the morning, but let you sleep for awhile. Tell you how much I love your eyes, your lips, your neck. Sit on the steps smoking 'til your neighbors come home. Sit on the steps smoking 'til you come home. And worry when you're late, and be amazed when you're early. I'd give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance. Be sorry when I'm wrong and happy when you forgive me. Look at your photo's and wish I'd known you forever. Hear your voice in my ear, feel your skin on my skin. And get scared when you're angry. I tell you you're gorgeous. And hug you when you're anxious and hold you when you're hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I'm next to you, and whimper when I'm not. Smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don't. Melt when you smile, dissolve when you laugh. But not understand how you think I'm rejecting you when I'm not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I'd ever reject you. And wonder who you are. But I accept you anyway. And tell you about the tree angel and enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you. I'd buy you presents you don't want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don't mean it but I always have from the first time I asked you. I wander the city thinking, but I'm empty without you, but I want what you want and think I'm losing myself. But I'll tell you the worst me and try and give you the best of me because you don't deserve any less. Answer your questions when I'd rather not. And tell you the truth when I really don't want to. And try to be honest because I knew you prefer it. And think it's all over but hang on for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life, forget who I am. And let me try and get closer you.

... And somehow communicate some of the over-whelming, undying, overpowering, unconditional, all-encompassing, heart-enriching, mind-expanding, ongoing, never-ending love I have for you.

Being this happy is a good change, even though I am hung over and dying at this particular moment...
Today I'm buying the It's Always Sunny christmas movie!!!

There's a cemetery deep below the sea
They're the spaces reserved for fools like me
Tried to kill myself at least a dozen times
but nothing seemed to turn out right

Now I'd rather wait a half a century
soiling the bed all belligerent and wrinkly
Even when I go blind and lose my mind
nothing seems to turn out right
Something's gotta turn out right

If you want then when we die
we'll ascend to someplace way up high
At the gate, they'll show you through
If they ask me, I'm with you

You're in my body
You're, you're in my body
You're in my body
That's where I think about you
(You're in my body and that's where I think about you)
You're in my body
You're, you're in my body
You're in my body
That's where I think about you

There's no one who imagines like you
so convinced there's somewhere that we go to
Not a first class trip to the abyss
Tell me, do you still feel this?
Tell me, do you still feel this?

As I drown in lakes of fire
I will call your name as I expire
It's the last thing that I'll do
I will tell them I'm with you

You're in my body
You're, you're in my body
You're in my body
That's where I think about you
(You're in my body and that's where I think about you)
You're in my body
You're, you're in my body
You're in my body
That's where I think about you

Falling asleep, asleep at the wheel
as I approach that cliff, I'm starting to feel
If you could wake me up with only your touch
I could die with you, life would be enough

Falling asleep, asleep at the wheel
as I approach that cliff, I'm starting to feel
If you could wake me up with only your touch
I could die with you, life would be enough

And I'll face the one who made
my disgusting heart from a lump of clay
Should he ask what got me through
If he asks me, it was you

You're in my body
You're, you're in my body
You're in my body
That's where I think about you
(You're in my body and that's where I think about you)
You're in my body
You're, you're in my body
You're in my body
That's where I think about you

It is harder to become a new, better person. It's so much easier to stick to who
you were in the past, because it's comfortable...
It's easier to run to the arms of someone you know is bad for you than to wait
for ones who will love you better than any of those in the past.
It's easier to give up and settle for what you've got, than working your ass
off to get what you want.
but i refuse to take the easy way.

Being me just keeps getting better :)

New Say Anything album is amazing...


that is all.

things i enjoy; yahtzee (sp?) at the bar, pitchers of long islands, long
meaningful talks with best friends, guys with sweet mullets, tube top tuesdays, requesting specific times for bff songs to be played AND THEY ARE PLAYED at those times, and cuddle puddles.

I actually had a great Halloween... it wasn't what I was expecting, but better.

PS I love you is my favorite movie.... maybe one day I will feel like that about someone again.

And I am too sleepy to say the things I want.

n

and someone said "it looks like you've lost something very dear to you"
and i replied "everything i've ever loved is gone..."

Third Eye Blind blew my mind last night. I haven't felt that happy or peaceful
for a while. Sitting at the fire station is boring, but my dad is taking forever
on a call, and I need money to go to the doctors :(
I cannot believe how sick I've been, and how it does not seem to be
getting any better. Boondock Saints 2 comes out and Matt Wood and I
have a date to see it Monday! I am so excited to see it!
I got sent home 5 hours early from work because I am dying, so I will
be playing rollercoaster tycoon in bed most of the day!

THIRD EYE BLIND ON MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last night was... good. It made me feel so happy to be around people I was so close to in high school, and even a certain someone being there didn't bother me. It also shows that it doesn't take that much to forgive and just have a good time.

Now I suppose I should go to work so I can spend the rest of the night with my lovely best friend.

Life is perfect.
Looking for a new car soon since the mini just isn't cutting it.... haha
I'm really starting to like waking up early... and I might even make Nick breakfast for once.
Grandma and grandpa have put quite a lot of pressure on me, and I am not sure what to do
about the whole situation, but I'm sure in a couple days it will be a lot clearer to me....
Also, I'm going to see the Used saturday... haha. how embarrassing.

It's strange how what started out to be a terrible day all of a sudden has become pretty good...
Especially since my boss just gave me a free keg, and now i am planning on spending the entire day/night drinking with my best friends and then going to the Cheap Girls show tonight!
And my brother bear will be home tonight I cannot wait! 

it's funny that fleetwood defines a lot of my relationships, i go there to end them, to restart them, and sometimes both all at once. I ran into Tara, who is my favorite waitress there... And boyfriend is quite embarrassing when he announces to the entire restaurant that he's in love with me and would do anything for me... haha.
Love... what a terrifying word to me....
Things are quite strange right now... not in a bad way, just so much change is happening all at once... which i guess for the past 6 months things have been constantly changing.
I cannot wait until 3eb at the end of the month!

it gets loneliest at night
down at the liquor store
beneath the neon sky
the moonlight
six a.m. the floor comes alive with lites
the pans dried up so tight
with hardened beans
and we're hungry

so i lean on you sometimes
just to see you're still there
these feet cant take the weight of one
much less two
we hit concrete
we were born into this mess
i know i painted you a prettier picture,baby
we were run out on a rail
fell from the wagon to the night train

i kissed the bottle
i should've been kissing you
you wake up to an empty night
with tears for two

cigarettes they fill the gaps
in our empty days
in our broken teeth
say mister, can you spare a dime
some change could make a change
could buy some time
some freedom
or an ear to hear my story
it's all i've got
my fiction beats the hell out of my truth
a palm upturned burnt blue
don't call it sunburn
you've been shaking on the job
just one drink ahead of your past
there's a white light coming up
you draw the blinds hoping it'll pass

i kissed the bottle
i should've been kissing you
you wake up to an empty night
with tears for two
i kissed the bottle
i should've been kissing you
you wake up to an empty night
with tears for two
with tears for two

gaslight anthem on tuesday most likely yayyy....
Val and I bought our tickets to see 3eb at the msu auditorium today I am soooo excited and our seats our sweeeeet!

I have the greatest boyfriend in the world, who takes the greatest care of me while I'm sick...
But seriously, having strep throat TWO times in a month and a half?! RIDICULOUS!

I love being woken up with my favorite bagels from panera and coffee...
definitely one of my favorite ways to be woken up.
Also Val and I bought our halloween costumes the other day and I am a lady bug! 
I cannot waiiiiiiiiiiiit until Halloween... haha.

And playing uno on facebook is addicting.

It is very hard to get myself motivated to actually work when the weather is like this, I'd much rather lay in bed and watch the new season of Law and Order SVU all day and cuddle.

Alsooo everyone should watch this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKxmM9n1b8g

September is almost over and I am very excited to go buy my Halloween costume!
Work really has been bothering me lately, especially with a certain client
who thinks it's okay to treat me however he pleases.... then pitches a fit when
i find a way around it. also note to self, do not dye your hair dark, then
try to add highlights, you look like a zebra, and then spend $200 getting it
fixed, and 4 1/2 hours.
Also, Nick asked me to move in.... which I declined. I am waaay too afraid
to ever move in with another boyfriend, granted I do spend 5 out of 7 days
at his house, but I am still not ready, and i love having my own space.
I used to hate having my own space, but now i cannot wait until the next
time i have a day to myself.
And I am getting super sick of getting pulled over because they think
I am someone who has a suspended license, even though they are
not even on my registration.... annnnnoying!

All up in the blogs
Say we met at the bar
When I don't even know who you are
Say we up in your house
Sayin' I'm up in your car
But you in LA but I'm out at Jermaine's

I'm up in the A- you so so lame
and no on here even mentions your name
It must be the weed, it must be the E
'cause you be poppin, hood, you get it poppin'

Ooh oh
why you so obsessed with me?
Boy I want to know- lyin' that you're sexin me
when everybody knows it's clear that you're upset with me
Ohh finally found a girl that you couldn't impress
Last man on the earth- still couldn't get this

You're delusional, you're delusional
Boy you're losing your mind
It's confusin yo', you're confused you know
Why you wasting your time?
Got you all fired up with your Napoleon complex
See right through you like you're bathin' in windex

You on your job, you hittin' hard
Ain't gon feed you, imma let you starve
Graspin' for air I'm ventilation
You out of breath, hope you ain't waitin
Tellin' the world how much you miss me
But we never were so why you trippin'
You a mom and pop, I'm a corporation
I'm the press conference, you a conversation

Ooh oh why you so obsessed with me?
Boy I want to know- lyin' that you're sexin me
when everybody knows it's clear that you're upset with me
Ohh finally found a girl that you couldn't impress
Last man on the earth- still couldn't get this

You're delusional, you're delusional
Boy you're losing your mind
It's confusin yo', you're confused you know
Why you wasting your time?
Got you all fired up with your Napoleon complex
See right through you like you're bathin' in windex

oohhh.
why you so obsessed with me?(he's all up in george forman)
lyin' that your sexin' me( Lyin' that your sexin' me ooh)when everybody knows.

It's clear that your upset with me (wo-oh)
Finally found a girl that you couldn't impress last man on the earth still couldn't get this(Last man on the earth still coulnd't get this.)
You delusional, your delusional(he's all up in my george forman).
Boy your loosing your mind(your mind)
Got you all fired up in your napoleon conplex(your mind)
seeing right through yo' like your bathing in windex.(your mind)